Hi Guys/Staff
I have put it on the staff topics because i think it is more appropriate.
What would you do if your ex-stepdad was a CI and he started spreading rumors about you to CO’s.Thus affecting my cadet career.should you move to the nearest squadron? or try and speak to my CO?
Thanks just wondering 
Rhi
Treat it as any you would any other issue with a member of staff. Speak to your CO - or a member of staff you are comfortable speaking to. Unless your CO is friendly with your ex step-dad and you don’t believe they would act completely impartially, in which case you go higher up the chain of command to your wing staff.
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He’s friendly with the CO.How could i take it up the chain of the command? She is the highest rank in my squadron. Sorry it sounds so naive. tia
The best thing is to have a chat with your CO, explain the situation, let him know some specifics and let him know how distressing you’re finding it.
I promise you that the number of CO’s who think it’s fun to watch an adult, who used to have a parental relationship to a child, take the MICKEY out of that child, and to bully them - for that is what it is - is vanishingly small.
Does the CO know that this IDIOT is your ex-stepfather or has the delightful creature somehow managed to not mention it while spreading bile and making a child unhappy?
I presume he’s an ‘ex’ for a reason, don’t be afraid of telling your CO that this bloke is a throbber of the highest order and that his behaviour is really upsetting you.
Your CO should grip the situation very quickly, not least out of concern that he’s left himself open to problems of his own.
You can probably tell from the tone of my reply what my attitude to adults who bully children is and whether they are the type of people the ACO should have in its staff cadre…
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Angus you said exactly what I wanted to say but didn’t have the guts to!
I would speak to your CO. I know it’s not easy to spill your guts to somebody when you don’t know how they will react to what you tell them, but if your CO doesn’t act then they are just as bad.
However if you really don’t want to speak to your CO, then as I said, speak to another staff member & ask them to approach the CO on your behalf. Then if there is no action, go to the Sqn Ldr in charge of your wing area (your Sqn staff will know who that is).
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Is your ex step-dad on the same Sqn as you? If he is, then he should be man enough to realise if there is a problem he should perhaps request a transfer to a different Sqn.
Mind you, if he was any type of man, he wouldn’t be bullying a cadet…
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Thank you Angus he is on the same Sqn as me and she knows his situation. I will try and speak to mam but them two are getting very ‘close’ if you get what I mean and she has only been the co for a couple of months. But thanks
Oh good, just what we need…
OK, have a chat with your CO, be very sure to let her know how distressing and humiliating you find his behaviour, make sure you burst into tears and see what happens.
Give it a very short period - a week or so - to grip the situation, which from my point of view would be old matey-cakes plying his trade elsewhere, and if you’re not happy escalate it, and do it hard. Make sure you use the ‘bullying’ word, and emphasise that this bloke had a very intimate relationship with you and your mum and that he’s using that make your life hell.
If your CO doesn’t produce the goods stick the knife in her as well, making sure to twist it. We can live quite happily without such people in the ACO.
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Do what Angus says and if you don’t get a reasonable reply, then you go up the chain of command. This takes a bit of guts, but you say to your CO that you are not happy with her reply (or lack of) and that you wish your comments to go to Wing. That is what the chain of command is about. If you are still not happy you can keep saying that you want to go higher until it ends up on the Commandant’s desk (although, you had better have a good case to take it that far).
Probably best to put your complaints in writing being entirely factual and quoting dates.
If nothing else it will be good practice for how to get through the rest of your life!
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In the first instance I would advise talking to your mother about the situation, its possible she still has contact with him and can potentially make the situation go away very quickly. At the very least, its always good to have her aware of the situation.
That having been said, she can always attend the Sqn with you and have a meeting with the CO and advise her of the situation - having only been in post a couple of months she will be keen to make a good impression on the parent element of the unit and should resolve it quickly.
If you get no movement with either of these, I would recommend your mother contacts the Wing HQ directly, they should appoint someone to investigate, probably your Sector Commander, as long as she lays out the facts as you have given them to her.
Make sure you make notes of everything that has happened, keep it factual and to the point. Also make notes of any interactions you have had with this person which have made you feel uncomfortable or openly criticised. In addition, note any adverse affects you are aware of, i.e. if he has said anything to the CO, has the CO taken a different approach to you as a result.
As a final thought, the Commandant has made it clear that we have zero tolerance on bullying in any format. The mechanism for dealing with this kind of issue is very swift and robust these days.
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Why hasn’t the parent been involved from the outset?
Your mum may feel awkward but she should be the first port of call for problems, not tackling the situation yourself. We always told our children to speak to school staff and ignore other kids as they will get bored if you don’t respond, but an adult is another thing altogether as you don’t know the incidental relationships, by speaking to other adults in the same environment.
Whenever I’ve had unhappy cadets it’s the parents I hear about from first not the cadet knocking on the door.
But it does need as said what is said and not hearsay.
Personally I would suggest go elsewhere if possible as this scenario has the very real potential to get uncomfortable very, very quickly, more so if the other relationship strengthens, more so for your mum. If it falls apart you can’t see one or other hanging around for too long.
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to my disgust i think this is probably how its going to end up.
casting a CI off because they are a throbbing chod isn’t an enormous problem for the ACO, however getting rid of an OC just because they have bad judgement and got lead along the garden path is a much greater obsticle, and unless she herself has done something very bad then she’s just not going to feel the boot - not only is it really hard work, but the number of people queing up to replace her can probably be counted on one IED’d hand…
truth is, even if matey-cakes gets his hook slung and the radiant bride gets a stiff talking to about her conduct and values, the atmosphere at the sqn is going to be pretty poisonous.
for the ACO’s sake i hope the OP sticks the knife in about the pair of them, but i think in the end that unless both decide to leave the ACO with the obvious clouds over them, the OP is going to find that she doesn’t enjoy her Sqn much.
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Thanks guys. But I have decided it is more beneficial for the whole of the squadron if I leave I am going to speak to the CO next week regarding my official move. Thank you for the positive comments but it is not worth as he is not doing it to other cadets.
Thank you very much through it has been very helpful
Windermere2013
How do you know he is not ‘doing it to other cadets’?
Also, are you sure he is the originator of the rumours?
I think, for the benefit of the Sqn, he should be suspended and this matter investigated and you should carry on in the ATC
There is always a problem when ‘turned’ relationships interfere with sqn life. This one is more unusual…
I’ve had parents suggest I suspend cadets as their kids have been in relationships with other cadets and it’s gone sour and the other one says things about the other, what I say to the parents is it’s typical playground teenage antics and it’s something we’ve been party to or subjected to in our lives. If suspend one I’d need to suspend them all as the boys and girls go through each other two or three times. God knows what schools would be like!!
You should never feel the need to move squadrons or leave cadets because of a member of staff regardless of past relations.
Talk to a member of staff (officer/adult nco/ci) who you feel comfortable talking about the situation to and the chain of command (if effective) at your squadron should do the rest. If you don’t see any change from their behaviour then I would get your parent involve to contact your squadron OC, as being singled out by a member of staff ex-step-father or not is bullying.if at this point there is still no improvements then you need to contact your wing training officer/sector officer/wing commander (depending on how your wing works, in mine our training officer has to interview new CI’s in the first place to see if they’re suitable, and the sector officer keeps an eye on a set number of squadrons in the wing).
And so on, the chain will keep getting bigger. Personal life shouldn’t be taken into the squadron and should be left at the door, a member of staff should know this, although I do understand this can be hard he shouldn’t be taking his anger out on a relationship that didn’t work on you.
I hope this helps.
In an ideal world personal things should be left at the perimeter gate, but this is the real world and in this particular instance is I imagine an outlier in terms of relationships to come to the fore.
Both parties could feel equally put upon if they are questioned about things or spoken to.
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