Hearing a Director address somebody called “Steve” as “Tim”.
Director: “Oh. I thought you were called Tim… Thats what everybody calls you”
Steve: “no. I’m definitely Steve”
Directir: “Oh. Sorry. Anyway. Tim, you had a question”
What Steve doesn’t realise? Everybody does call him Tim. As he’s nice. But dim. And they have been doing it for about 3 years.
To the extent that a Director genuinely thought he was called Tim!!!
We have a Tim at work who is actually called Tim but is absolutely nice. But dim. Don’t have a Piers though.
At school we had a lovely teacher that had a very long and pointy nose, and was known behind her back as Ms Concord…
She was a cover teacher, and she did not deserve the grief that she got. Being a total sod as a kid, I gave her a good amount of grief… enough that it probably deserved a good slap at least.
One time after pushing too far, I was kept back after class. I genuinely felt bad about how much of a turd I had been, and was giving a heartfelt and genuine apology that ended with calling her “Ms. Concord”.
Long story short, my parents did what teachers should be able to… my darling mother knocked me into the following week.
But, it was a genuine mistake - nobody ever called her by her proper name other than face to face!
Now THAT made me laugh! Thank you 
Nothing like a bit of time travelling to sort ones attitude out. when I was a kid, I’d been to the 21st century and saw how crap 2020 was.
Sometimes you have to speak to people in a language they understand.
On another occasion, as a very young boy, I swore in front of my mum.
She said if I swore again she’d wash my mouth out with soap… game on! So I swore again.
She grabbed a bar of soap from the kitchen, young good egg ran up stairs laughing thinking it was a game, but good eggs mum meant business.
I threw myself on the bed and buried my head in a pillow. Mum pulled my head out the pillow by my hair, and forced a bar of soap into my trap through my gritted teeth…
As I retched and was about to throw up she said; “If you dare be sick I’ll rub your bloody nose in it!”
Solid parenting.
Did I swear at her again? No, not until I was bigger than her anyway
Other mum gems; upon showing her my first tattoo - “you bloody idiot, I hope it gets infected!”
Love my mum.
Tried that with DD#2, affectionately nicknamed psycho after she would magically appear in the bedroom at some random hour having used her cot mattress and bedding as a mat to softens her landing, climbing out from about 12 months old.
She was about 6 at the time, Mrs Crazy duly applied the punishment to which Psycho replied “mmmm that’s nice, do it again” 
🤦
I still use this to highlight to Mrs Crazy you reap what you sow so it must all be down to her previous bad behaviour as a child 
Biggest mistake of my life was when my mum took the wooden spoon to the back of my legs and it broke but idiotic me turned around and laughed in her face… At that point I saw death in her eyes
Thats the proper way to do it… wouldn’t have half as many issues with youth today if it was still done like that!
I recall a story my mother told of her youth. She was one of three sisters.
They were out messing about in the garden and around the shed, in their young teens. Arguement starts.
One picks up a hammer (yep, that’s right) and throws it at the one of the girls, she ducks and it sails through the glass window behind. My mother was laughing the whole time at her two sisters.
Their mother, came out and… Erm… Disciplined, them all. Round the back of the head.
“You for throwing the hammer!”
“You for laughing!”
“… and you for ducking! Now I’ve got to replace the window!”
I was 11yrs old and playing with my football in the back garden. My father came out full of hell (this was a guy who had been a pre-war regular soldier, served in the cavalry when they had horses, was mechanised serving in North Africa and had seen Bergen-Belsen and Nuremburg as a Military Police officer).
“PUT THAT BL***Y BALL DOWN! YOU’VE SMASHED ENOUGH WINDOWS! IF YOU DON’T PUT IT DOWN YOU’LL GET THIS ACROSS YOU’RE AR…BACKSIDE”
‘This’ was a huge wire brush with a long wooden handle. He turned and went inside and in a moment of fury, I drop kicked the ball against the wall of the house.
Except that I missed the wall and it went straight through the kitchen window. In that instant, I knew that I was as good as dead. Before I’d even turned to run, he was out the door and had me by the back of my collar.
Boy, it hurt, I can tell you.
He’s been dead for many years now but I’ve still got that wire brush somewhere in the shed.
Unashamedly quoting myself…
I remember being caught nicking sweets from the newsagents, I was taken home by Mr Gooding who ran the shop who told dad. The strap came out, the only other time this came out was when I swore at a teacher and got the cane. The school sent a letter home explaining this and dad gave me a hiding.
On both occasions I wasn’t allowed to do anything but school and had the radio and cassette player taken from my room for 2 weeks. For minor things I was locked in my bedroom, with no ‘toys’.
Dad told me years later when I was caught stealing and swore at the teacher he was angry as he felt I’d let him, mum and myself down and he thought he and mum had brought me and my brother up to be better than that.
I remember smacking my son, he must have been 9 or 10, when he swore at his mum, he seemed to cry for hours, but he had to be left to it. The punishments became less physical. The best one was cutting the plugs off electrical items or putting them in the loft. Teenagers sans electricals in the 00s was worse than a physical punishment. I can recall the words “I hate you” being uttered.
God knows how parents deal with errant children now.
Turn the WiFi off 
There’s always data.
Buy a phone jammer then watch the tears start flowing
When I had my house rewired a few years ago.
I had the electrician wire each rooms lights and sockets onto a separate breaker. I.e. 1 for lights, 1 for sockets, per room.
Only cost about £100 more.
Reason being that way if I needed to isolate something to replace in the future it would only affect that ring and not the rest of the house.
Now with kids, the added unexpected benefit is if they play up. It’s just as easy to kill all power to their rooms!
Obvs the hard wired smoke detectors are on a separate independant circuit.
Wifi is another win as with BTs complete package I can isolate individual devices from the network.
It’s just wonderful.
Wholly reccomend these 2 steps for anyone with children! Appreciate the first is about more disruptive unless you are having work done anyway!
Don’t get me started on that… 90% done then needed to shield before the last ring could be done 
don’t know when it will be completed now
https://mobile.twitter.com/lawrencehurley/status/1359207169091108864
Anyway, this is amazing.